


Turn off the lights

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alien Biology, Boys Kissing, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Collegestuck, F/F, F/M, First Dates, John in Denial About His Sexuality, M/M, Minor Kismesissitude, Multi, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pale-Black Vacillation, Red Romance, Troll Biology, Troll Culture, Troll Romance, Unrequited Love, Xenobiology, depending on whether I want to write explicit or not, otherwise the rating will change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-23
Updated: 2014-10-28
Packaged: 2018-02-09 16:54:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1990488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Why do my dates go so wroooong!" John moaned, flopping onto the end of Dave's bed. Dave's eyebrows had sky-rocketed, lost in his hairline forever. "It'd be nice if I could have one date, you know?"</p><p>Dave knew. And Dave said nothing.</p><p>-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 7:45am --</p><p>TT: Would I be correct in saying John's 'friend'ship isn't exactly what you want?<br/>TG: no<br/>TG: maybe<br/>TG: shut up rose</p><p>~</p><p>John finds it hard to date. Dave finds love confessions hard. But when John's birthday rolls around, and Dave is having trouble finding a present - he comes up with a great idea that maybe doesn't benefit him at all. In the slightest. John will be happy, and Dave will be miserable, but as long as he likes his present, why does it matter? </p><p>Typical college kids doing typical college things. Dating, cute boys being adorable and a lot of heartache in between. The one that actually doesn't have DaveJohn in the way you're hoping.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Finally, I've found a plotline I like. This'll mainly be focused on the circle surrounding Dave's unrequited love for John and John's love life. The Dave/John thing isn't really gonna go beyond a crush, so sorry if I got your hopes up. But who knows, right? The mystery date will not be revealed...though if you look in the tags it's probably there.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 2:07am \--

TG: rose  
TG: rose answer  
TG: rose  
TG: rose

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 2:08am\--  
\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 6:57am\--

TT: Dave.  
TT: What exactly was so important that you had the audacity to wake me at 2am?  
TG: rose  
TT: What?  
TG: this is very important okay  
TT: ?  
TG: its about john  
TT: What about him?  
TT: Is he okay?  
TG: yeah  
TG: fit as a fiddle  
TG: the more important question here rose  
TG: is what are you getting him for his birthday  
TT: ...  
TT: His birthday is 5 weeks away.  
TT: Why are you stressing now?  
TG: god rose cant a guy stress over whether or not his best bro will appreciate what he has to offer or not  
TG: time isnt relevent what is is what i should get him for his birthday so he wont hate me  
TG: rose  
TG: rose pls  
TG: help your ectobro out  
TT: Sigh.  
TG: rose  
TG: its like  
TG: im a kid who hasnt studied for a test but he knows for goddamn sure hes had all year to do it  
TT: If that terrible metaphor is anything to go by, I'm guessing you really are under a lot of pressure.  
TT: And that John is the test you haven't studied for?  
TG: its like a dont know the guy  
TG: i dont know shit about what he likes  
TT: Get him something from your heart. If it's something you have truly put thought into, John will appreciate it.  
TG: will that work  
TG: i mean  
TG: will he be okay with that  
TT: Honestly, Dave. John wouldn't care if you gave him a handshake for his birthday - as long as you are there to share it with him and celebrate his 19 years of life, he'll still be your friend.  
TT: Stop worrying.  
TG: sure  
TG: okay  
TG: thanks  
TG: will do  
TT: ?

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 7:14am \--  
\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 7:45am \--

TT: Would I be correct in saying John's 'friend'ship isn't exactly what you want?

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 7:45am \--  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 12:59pm \--

TG: no  
TG: maybe  
TG: shut up rose

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 13:01pm \--

5 weeks. 35 days of not knowing what to get Egbert for his birthday. Which also meant 840 hours of stressing over whether or not he'd even like it. Dave, contrary to popular belief, wasn't the most adept at picking presents to give to other people in order to please them. He knew John enough to know that, yes, he would be fine with a handshake; but that sure as heck wouldn't be enough to

The point was, a regular present just wouldn't cut it.

Shit was serious.

The shit was so serious right now it was wearing a suit and managing Dave's taxes, carrying a briefcase full of nothing but bills and marketing flyers. Basically, the shit was Dad Egbert.

Dave leaned back in his chair, wincing at the creak and watching the hub-bub of people around him whiffling their way through the cafeteria with trays of terrible food. He knew none of them, but could probably tell more about what they like than he could about John. Maybe Dave was just more worried about how John would react than about whether or not he could supply a gift he liked.

Indirectly asking John what he'd want is probably a better bet as to how to go about finding a good gift.

Dave slid his phone from the table, tapping the pesterchum icon as he had done already four times today. Asking John outright would be like asking a random passer-by if they were a drug dealer who would sell them meth; no, Dave would be undercover. Maybe in a disguise, sneaking his way around the place like a spy for the CIA. The CIA of birthday presents.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 1:12pm \--

TG: egbert  
TG: john  
EB: hey!  
EB: what's up?  
TG: oh you know  
TG: chillin  
EB: ...  
EB: okay...  
TG: so anyway  
TG: you got your eye on anything  
TG: that would make you so goddamn happy about if someone got it for you  
TG: as a gift  
EB: not really.  
TG: nothing huh  
TG: not a thing  
EB: this wouldnt happen to be about a certain date coming up would it...?  
EB: ........  
EB: dave??  
TG: date  
TG: no  
TG: just wondering  
EB: well okay.  
EB: so what's your reason for asking if it's not that?  
TG: no reason  
TG: none at all  
EB: riiiiiiight.  
EB: i've got a... thing in a few minutes, so I gotta go.  
EB: but i'll see you later!  
TG: yeah  
TG: later

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 1:29pm \--

Dave slumped, letting out the longest sigh he'd ever thought possible. John was the Breath player, not him. 

3024000 seconds until John was 19 years old; Dave had time. He could totally find something worthy of John's presence. Maybe. Depending on whether or not Dave doesn't procrastinate this, he could do it.

 

~

 

"Oh my God, Dave. You won't believe - wait," John dropped his bag into the corner on top of Dave's, narrowing his eyes at him sceptically. He was sitting cross-legged on his bed, a mountain of papers stacked around his feet. He'd tried to hide most of them as John had come in - but the efforts were for nothing. "What are you doing?"

Dave cleared his throat, desperately trying to regain the cool he may or may not have lost as John had come in. It was now 3:47 in the afternoon, and Dave had been sitting for at least a full hour trying to puzzle out a suitable present for John. It was the most work he'd ever really committed to, using up maybe a half of a file block for this project. Some of them were just shitty doodles. Most of them. The wide majority were shitty doodles.

"Passing time," Dave said dismissively, waving his hand before plowing the papers onto the floor like crinkling snow. He looked up at John, who for the most part had stopped being suspicious. Instead, he was now planted in the shared swivelling desk chair, spinning back and forth idly while still managing to give Dave a full-on narrow-eyed glare.

"So what was that about earlier? You know," John gestured vaguely in front of his face. "The whole ''I'm-gonna-buy-you-a-gift-but-it's-not-for-your-birthday thing?"

Dave blinked behind his glasses, thankful that John probably couldn't see the blush now migrating across his cheeks like little red ducks heading south for winter. The blush, for future reference, was not by any means heading as far south as you think.

"Rose didn't know what to get you for your birthday - I, being the awesome bro I am, asked the birthday boy for her," Dave let a smile lose from it's bindings. In a different world, it may well have been a true enough statement. So it wasn't lying, not really. Just...dodging facts. "She's totally freakin' out; pestered me at 2am just to ask my almighty opinion on it. Of course, I already know what my best bro wants, 'cus that's how a good friend is, right?"

John took exactly three seconds to stare down Dave, before finally nodding in that suspicious manner he hadn't dropped since he'd walked through the door. It hung on him like a bad-fitting cape. Dave watched him steadily, his shades trained on the biros in his lap, but his eyes peeping through the sides of the lenses.

"So, how was your date?" Dave asked, arranging the pens in order of colour.

John's head bounced back like a faulty diving board, propelling his gaze skywards before returning to a more reserved position in Dave's general direction. If he thought Dave missed the blush on his cheeks - Dave missed nothing - then he was sourly wrong. The awkward turning-away-and-pretending-to-do-homework shtick was obviously an act. Too overplayed.

Red, blue, black, green. Black couldn't really be counted as a pen colour. It was really just 'ink'.

"...Date?" He said, voice devoid of anything too obvious. "What date?"

Blue, red, green. And black.

"You said you had a 'thing'. I assumed 'thing' was bro-lingo for 'date'."

A chewed up pencil joined the gang.

"Oh. That," John cleared his throat, frowning as he did. He'd abandoned the act of chair spinning and picked up a pen, uncapping and re-capping it over and over again. It was a colour Dave already had. The blue ink in it oozing around with every which way John turned it. "It, uh. Didn't happen?"

"Why? Did your date die?" The red pen suddenly seemed very interesting.

John smiled, teeth appearing over his bottom lip. "No, no...sheeeee...had other _'plans'_." It was possibly a sad smile, if anything.

Dave worried his lip. The poor guy never had any luck with dating. Although Dave claimed to know a lot, and he did, about the single folk and how to really win 'em over - he could never execute it in the right way. Hot-mom Jane was still sometimes there in his mind, not being asked out to anywhere but Dave's imagination. Tragic.

Heh, Dave should get John a _date_ for his birthday.

Wait.

"Why do my dates go so wroooong!" John moaned, flopping onto the end of Dave's bed. Dave's eyebrows had sky-rocketed, lost in his hairline forever. "It'd be nice if I could have one date, you know?"

Dave knew. And Dave said nothing.

John raised himself up on his elbows, peering at Dave through splayed fingers. His eyes were impossibly bright, shining with emotion. Dave felt that maybe, for one moment, John was going to ask what he'd always wanted. But that was incredibly stupid and only happened in movies. Really shitty movies that weren't true.

"Maybe Karkat can help me," he said, rolling off of the duvet onto the floor. Not exactly onto his feet, but the movement was fluid. "...although I don't fancy having the 'featherbeast-and-buzzbeasts' talk with him. You know how he is."

Lightbulb.

"Ah...I can help," Dave felt himself say before the thought had even really registered in his brain. John's eyes lit up like The Great Fire of London, except less tragic and more people were swooning. "Sure. Yeah. I can help."

"Really? Aw, Dave. You don't have to do that!"

"No, I do. Can't have my best bro crying over being a lonely potato can I? You just sit back, eat some ice cream. Maybe watch Matthew McCockhead or Nic Cage and swoon while your bro handles this shit. No worries. I got this."

"Don't diss McConaughey! I still have a special place in my heart for him," John said, arms crossing over his chest defensively.

Dave swung his hands, fanning the air in front of John's face as he stood. "Yeah, yeah. Man-crush on McC. Gotta go -"

Finished with putting his shoes on, Dave dug his bag out from underneath John's, swinging it over his shoulder like it was a fair maiden. He'd just reached the door when a thought occurred to him, "Preference?" he asked, looking over his shoulder at John. He'd sat down on Dave's bed again, sifting through the remaining papers there. He seemed to have gotten a papercut.

"What?" he looked up, eyebrow quirked.

"What's your preference. You know: short, tall, funny. Stoner. Alcoholic. Preference." Had John have been listening, he would have heard Dave say under his breath something that sounded a lot like 'male or female'. But he wasn't, which was why Dave wasn't prepared for the next answer. Although, Dave recalled a few seconds after mentioning it, John had been with guys before. He wasn't entirely foreign to male anatomy. Were they flings? Or legitimate factors to take into consideration? ...it maybe made his heart hurt a little bit more than before. The possibility something _could_ but will never, _ever_ happen between John and Dave. Tragic.

John's eyes widened, a page dropping from his hands. He was rubbing his fingertip where the paper had sliced him, too occupied to look up again. "Oh, uh...anyone, really. If they're friendly."

"Anyone."

"Anyone."

Dave nodded with finality, heading out the door and shutting it with a soft click. He leaned against it, sighing deeply and almost battle-roaring with frustration. It was a stupid thing to even offer to do, but Dave being Dave just had to ask. He'd missed his chance; flyers reading 'CHANCE: MISSING. RETURN TO DAVE STRIDER ASAP' already being pinned up on lamp posts and dorm corkboards. 'REWARD: JOHN'S AFFECTION'. 

Students just getting out of their last class for the day milled around on this floor of Dave's dorm, 'Saturn', chatting and gossiping about love affairs and bitchy teachers. A few of the rumours floating around Dave maybe felt he shouldn't have heard, but they may come in handy if a certain idiot got on his case. Blackmail was fun, sometimes.

He bounced on his heels, once, twice, three times. Maybe he should go see Karkat. Karkat could matchmake. Or even Jade. She knew John better than anyone. Ugh, decisions. Karkat's dorm was closer, and Jade lived off campus anyway in a sorority; Dave didn't particularly feel like visiting it. Karkat it was. He and Dave were tight. Buddies. Bros. He'd know what to do.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave pleads for the help of a rom-com obsessed quadrant-bullshit enthusiast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eeeeeeh thank you to those who commented and left reassuring words uwu i just hope i can convince you *_*

The road to Karkat's dorm sure was treacherous; the amount of people populating one area was overwhelming, even for someone like Dave. There was the single quad, a large square with hilly outcrops and stone benches on all sides. From above, it probably looked like a meteor site, the sunken ground a perfect place to start a new home for the slightly messed up outcomes of Sburb. Which Dave couldn't help admitting would be a pretty ironic way of patching up a tragedy. If anything other than being sad and terrible, the thought of standing in a crater brought back nostalgic memories; it was something to celebrate, not mourn in his opinion.

Each hill had a dorm building named after a planet...so it wasn't a surprise that Karkat's dorm was named 'Alternia'. Beyond that architecture, were various other buildings that didn't bear thinking about if you were a reluctant student. SFIU had way too many departments, so many that Dave pretty much only ventured to the first ring of them, maybe the second. A fountain shaped like what he assumed might have been Earth sat like a forgotten golf ball in the centre, spewing water at any unfortunate passers. Today, it had a blue sheen to it, too blue - it was almost like someone had tried to pull a prank, though Dave knew John wouldn't do something this average. The fountain was stupid and served no purpose other than birds to crap on it and students to jump in when they're idiotically drunk, but Dave guessed he could see the significance in it. Earth was pretty important after this whole drama, after-all.

A group of maybe 15-20 humans and trolls, most in Dave's year, were planted on the fountain's edge and surrounding footpath. He saw them practically everyday, each of the times the group had gotten bigger, but he had little to no interest as to why. Jade was always among them, and she'd always wave distractedly before returning to the boring explanation she was giving to her 'class' - it was probably some nature-orientated club. Same as always, Dave waved, and headed forward, task set in his mind. He whistled a light-hearted tune that sounded very like 'I'm a Barbie Girl' and 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' as he stepped around the living obstructions on the ground; he didn't have the patience to be annoyed at it today.

As he neared the building, Dave swiped out his key-card, a frequently forgotten possession, and scanned it at the door. Verified. 

The building was quiet, unlike Dave's. That was probably because, as Dave had remembered Karkat saying at some point, trolls were nocturnal. Avoidant of the sun, particularly. It didn't bother him much that karkat was always sleeping if he'd take the PRACTICALLY LABORIOUS effort to go see him, but the troll always seemed to wake up especially cranky. Not always a safe thing, but Dave could still bust a few martial arts moves on Karkat's ass if he needed to.

Maybe Dave should have just pestered him. Meh, it was more entertaining this way, and besides, he hadn't seen Karkat since yesterday. Bros gotta stick together. Bond a little.

Hammering up the stairs two steps at a time - he would have fallen, were it not for his 'mad reflexes yo' - slowing down appropriately when a passing troll gave him 'the look', Dave made it to Karkat's room in record time. Not that he was really counting, but the internal clock never really stopped ticking by.

29 was in between equally-as-bad-as-eachother neighbours. One, who Dave always felt the need to roll his eyes at, was supposedly the dancestor of one of Karkat's 'acquaintances'. Although Dave didn't particularly like him, he had to admit that sometimes the guy was entertaining, if not a little cringe worthy - but, it would be lying if Dave said none of them were assholes at one point.

The grumbling and familiar foot-stomping that followed after Dave had brought his fist into the wood of the door warmed his heart to a little over freezing. Karkat was either already awake, or just awoken. Either of those could result in a broken tail bone; but it was all part of Karkat's charm.

"Who in the fuck -" Karkat huffed, unlocking the door and pulling it open to come face to chest with Dave. His eyes raised, narrowing to slits with each millimetre they travelled. The sentence finished on a dead-panned question. "What."

Karkat had gone for the 'these clothes are five times to big for me, but they'll do' look today. A particularly regular style, it seemed to Dave and everyone who knew him. Though it just made him look smaller, and whether he realised it or not, Dave didn't feel inclined to point it out. A voice wavered from inside the room, but Karkat just pulled the wood closer into his body. Not that Dave couldn't look over the top of his head, but it was too dark to see anyway, even without the glasses.

"Got a request for a Mr. Vantas that I think he'd enjoy."

Karkat raised an eyebrow, the creased lines in his forehead not budging at all; it took a lot of effort for Karkat to not have a frown on his face, rather than the opposite.

"And what exactly would that be? If it's something stupid, which no doubt it is, I'm sure it can wait," Karkat's shoulders slumped in what appeared to be apparent exhaustion; he raised a hand to his forehead, closing his eyes in the process, "Now for the love of all things fucking idiotic about this planet, why did you not just pester me with your problem? I'd have got back to you on it, when I could actually be bothered to care."

Finished with his spiel, Karkat's hand dropped to the door frame, his eyes barely opening as he glared holes into Dave.

"It's a ROMANTIC problem," Dave drawled, poking Karkat's shoulder with his index finger. The troll didn't appreciate it too much, "but I guess if you don't care..."

"No! Don't you fucking dare," The longing in Karkat's eyes was both pathetically adorable and kind of creepy to watch. But a guy had to have his interests, obsessions or not, "Who the fuck else could even try to help you? Rose? Pfft, please." He motioned with his hand, dismissing her ability to ever help a person with a problem ever. Which, sometimes, it was true.

He stepped back from the door, allowing Dave access to the depths of his dorm room, flicking the light after Dave had entered.

"Just throwing this out there - is this a _John_ problem?" Karkat predicted as he closed the door again, "No other sad sack of shit could be such a failure at anything, let alone the simplest of concepts that is human romance."

Woah, okay. Maybe Karkat was the one who needed to address his feelings for John more than Dave. Really, he'd thought Karkat was over the silly little hate-crush, they were 13. A lot of stuff had happened since then that made precisely ZERO room for crushes. Not that it was any different with Dave's romantic interests, but that was besides the point here. Who didn't want John was the real question.

With the light now on, Dave could see who the mystery voice belonged to. As he crossed the room to lounge on Karkat's un-made bed, Sollux barely glanced up from his computer in the corner. The screen illuminated his face, highlighting everything on his face. What sounded like a muffled 'hey' reached Dave's ears, but he couldn't have been sure, so he ignored it like he ignored the old pizza staring at him on the floor; sidenote: didn't Karkat ever clean?

"Do you need advice on how to woo him? Because fuck, I see the both of you as pale - I may not know shit about human friendships but-"

"Woah - not the problem. Where are you even getting that from? What's with the accusations? Are you saying I have a squishy soft spot him? Please, Karkat. Spare me," Dave garbled, avoiding Karkat's gaze. He couldn't see his eyes anyway, but the troll had a way of making eye contact even when it wasn't exactly possible.

Karkat didn't seem convinced, but he didn't pursue the thought. He cut a glance towards Sollux's back, but didn't say anything; instead, he simply ignored whatever it was he was doing to join Dave on the bed. He sat on the end - the covers still dishevelled from being slept in 10 minutes before - and bringing his legs up to sit like an Elementary school child during Story Time. This was were Dave found it difficult to say why he needed Karkat's help in the first place. Any way he thought about it in his head it sounded strange. Like "hey, Karkat. Do you want to help me find my crush a date?" or "do you happen to know any single individuals who are willing to be a birthday present for my friend I have a crush on?". It wouldn't really work.

Dave cut his gaze to Sollux. Bingo. As far as he knew, Sollux was single by troll quadrant definitions. Maybe he and Karkat had a thing, a platonic romance whirlpool that Dave really had no business asking about, but otherwise, he was free. Besides - the guy never left his dorm room, how could a relationship be established off of that? But John had expressed before how he liked hackers...

"Is Sollux single?" Dave asked in a low tone, jabbing a thumb at him before turning back to Karkat. The troll's eyes went wide to begin with, then narrowed to a strictly offended and frankly, a little intimidating expression. His whole face screamed 'huh?' but the actual words that came from his mouth where more violent and possibly offensive to some cultures.

"You're not GOOD ENOUGH for Sollux, you asshole. Why are you asking?" Karkat inched backwards on the bed, almost on the edge.

"I'll take that as a compliment, KK. But I think I'll make my own decisions on who I want to have a quadrant with," Sollux tipped his head back to look at the two boys at the otherside of the room. He was flattered Karkat thought so highly of him, but really, he could be too protective sometimes.

"I don't want to date you," Dave punctuated, pointing at sollux sharply, "and this has nothing to do with me," he finished, pointing at himself. "Just...listen, alright?"

Karkat looked about to say something snarky and condescending, but firmly shut his mouth when Sollux turned the full way round. It was fascinating how one reacted to the other; Dave wouldn't have known what to call it, but 'best-friends' seemed to be the most appropriate term.

"Okay. so," he started, clearing his throat and acutely acknowledging the two trolls observing him, the only sound being Sollux's computer whirring a mechanical melody. "Egbert's birthday's coming up, right? What's that in troll language?" Dave paused, then continued onwards, "Whatever. Unlike myself, John isn't exactly a Five-star Casanova. I'd help the guy myself first-hand, it's his birthday, but who better to deal with relationship stuff than a rom-com obsessed quadrant-bullshit enthusiast? Exactly."

"Is that supposed to -"

Dave stood up abruptly, theatrically raising a hand in the air. "But what do I find when I come over to plead for his help? Why, it's a single-pringle just waitin' to get the Eg-booty," at this point, Dave had directed his outstretched hand towards Sollux, who by now wore the expression of nothing less than disgusted, but, possibly...intrigued? Dave's shades made everything a little harder to see.

"You want me to...what, exactly?" Sollux sat back in his chair, long fingers nervously fussing at the chair's frayed cloth covering.

"Date John. At least once," Sollux looked about to protest against it, his mouth opening like a goldfish. Dave cut him off before he could say anything else, "You wouldn't want him to be sad would you? Picture it: dorky glasses fogging up with unshed tears, cheeks ghosting with the upset blush of a broken man. He'd probably cry. Egbert, crying - is that what you want, Sollux? Is it?"

Karkat had been quiet throughout this whole thing. He'd looked mildly offended at the beginning, but his facial expression had morphed into something more thoughtful. He looked as though he was assessing the situation rather than progressively hating it more from start to finish. Did Dave have a second opinion on this?

"Actually," he began, voice probably the most alien thing about him in that second, "It's not such a bad idea. No, shut the fuck up," he warned when Sollux had sat forward again, "That grubshitting little idiot could use a relationship. Better yet, It'd stop him from asking all of these stupid as fuck questions about troll culture and maybe learn from someone else, rather than bother me with everything that his little head can't compute...But it would mean he'd be unavailable. To anyone else. _Right_ , Dave?" Karkat cut his eyes to Dave's, making contact once again. Pesky fucker. The red around his eyes seemed more fiery and diabolical than ever, but Dave only nodded solemnly.

"Fine. Whatever. I can't promise anything, but it sure as shit can't hurt."

Both troll and human looked to Sollux, one having a look of triumphant glee and the other...a more regret fuelled version.

He hated to admit it; Dave swallowed his disappointment without a word.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hooooooo //loses interest in this fic//
> 
> anyway yeah chapter 3
> 
> I did all of the coding and then my laptop crashed so thats why this took forever

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] at 9:57pm \--

TA: 2o what do you want me two ju2t a2k hiim out or  
TA: i2 he a2kiing me  
TA: are you a2kiing hiim two a2k me  
TA: or are you telliing me two a2k hiim two tell you two a2k me two a2k hiim out  
TA: DV are you there  
TG: yeah yeah im here  
TG: what the hell are you talking about  
TG: you know what it doesnt matter  
TG: i guess itd be better if you just asked him out  
TA: 2ure okay  
TA: ju2t giive me the word and iill make hiim 2woon liike a fuckiing aniime 2choolgiirl  
TA: what the fuck i2 aniime even anyway  
TG: ahahaha  
TG: you know what be so fucking stupid  
TA: what  
TG: if you went all romantic on his ass with a fucking rose and everything  
TG: egbertd flip his shit  
TG: hed flip it so hard records will be broken fuckin tony hawk aint got shit on this kids sick 360s  
TA: iim not doiing that  
TG: yeah no  
TG: in another universe maybe  
TA: iin no uniiver2e wiill ii be doiing that ever  
TA: iid 2ooner human marry KK than do what you ju2t saiid  
TA: and ii dont even know what that ii2  
TG: ahahahaha  
TG: thatd be a pretty picture for sure  
TA: ...  
TA: hey DV  
TG: yeah captor  
TA: youre flu2hed for EB arent you?  
TG: what  
TG: no  
TG: did karkat tell you that  
TG: man no im so unflushed for him i may as well be a dead body so little of my cherry juices are flowing for him   
TG: and i know what its like to be a dead body  
TG: i dont like him  
TG: not like that  
TA: 2o youre 2ure youre 100% okay wiith me a2kiing hiim out?  
TG: dude  
TG: i wouldnt have asked if i wasnt  
TG: go for it  
TG: heck idc if you go all aladdin on his ass and steal his buttery bread roll as long as hes happy im happy  
TG: go nuts  
TA: ii thought he wa2 allergiic  
TG: aha very funny captor  
TG: now go away you got a big day ahead of you  
TG: dont fuck it up

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA] at 10:23pm \--

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 10:03pm \--

TT: I hear you finally found John a present?  
TT: I have to say, Dave. I wouldn't have picked that out myself, but I guess if you're his best-friend...  
TT: You'd know him better than anyone, right?  
TG: go away  
TT: Oh, Dave. I'm just kidding, I know you want nothing more than for John to be happy.  
TT: Am I correct?  
TG: wow rose  
TG: fuck off  
TT: Okay, I'm sorry.  
TT: Tactically speaking, what are you hoping to get out of this? Dave Strider does not go down without a fight. I thought you wanted John to know your feelings?  
TT: It isn't really what I meant when I said 'get him something from your heart'. Is Sollux *really* at your heart?  
TG: yeah  
TG: i love sollux  
TT: Dave.  
TG: what  
TT: Sollux is a real birthday present.  
TG: how  
TG: john will like him  
TT: Sigh.  
TT: But John isn't going to know how you feel about him if he's 'dating' Sollux, will he?  
TT: Nothing against Sollux. I'm sure he's just as nice as I imagine him.  
TG: whatever  
TG: egbert will be happy who cares about my  
TG: feelings  
TT: Throw him a party if you're really stuck for ideas.  
TT: Or a movie night.  
TT: He'll get to see his friends all together instead of occasionally in between classes. I know my mother/daughter/Roxy hasn't seen him in a while.  
TG: hhhhhhhhh  
TG: okay  
TG: so now hes got a date and a huge party  
TG: hurrah  
TT: I thought you wanted him to be happy, now you're being bitter about it? Wow, Dave.  
TT: Just a hint, though. Maybe you should let John choose who he wants to date?  
TT: You know. If you'd have said something before all this...  
TG: fuck  
TG: off  
TG: captors excited now to be all up in egberts booty i cant sabotage that kind of love  
TG: its too late to stop it its happenin too fast  
TG: oh no look at that  
TG: my chance is lost  
TG: bye rose  
TG: wait  
TT: Yes, Dave?  
TG: how did you know about the date thing  
TT: My sources are very reliable.  
TG: what the fuck is that supposed to mean  
TT: Karkat supposedly told Jade, who then for some reason told Feferi. Somehow Nepeta found out from her, and the rest is sort of a mystery.  
TT: It hurts me to know that no one actually told me outright, even though I happen to be both good friends with Jade and also, I'm your sister. But hey, I guess that's life.  
TT: Good luck hiding this from John, by the way.  
TG: well fuck  
TG: cant trust that bastard can i

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 10:18pm \--

Birthday present problem solved? Maybe.

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 6:02pm \--

GG: karkat!!  
GG: you missed my club again today :(  
GG: hellooo??  
GG: karkat are you there?  
GG: dont ignore me!! i know where you live >:(  
CG: JESUS JADE IM HERE CALM YOUR SHIT  
GG: you dont have to go to it if you dont wanna.  
GG: im not making you!  
CG: I KNOW YOU SAY THAT EVERY TIME  
CG: AND I ALREADY TOLD YOU I DONT WANT TO GO IN THE FIRST PLACE  
CG: IN FACT I DONT EVER REMEMBER SAYING I DID  
GG: oh.  
GG: i must have forgotten :)  
GG: so why was dave at your place again today?  
GG: not to be nosy......  
CG: HE WAS  
CG: ASKING  
CG: SOMETHING  
GG: asking what?  
GG: :?  
CG: LOOK DONT TELL ANYONE BECAUSE IM PRETTY SURE THE PRICK WANTS IT TO BE A SECRET  
CG: HE DIDNT SAY THAT EXACTLY BUT THE MESSAGE WAS IMPLIED  
CG: HE ASKED SOLLUX OUT  
CG: AS IN ON A DATE  
CG: FOR JOHN  
GG: whaaaaaaaaaat???  
GG: omg.  
GG: (is he even interested in guys?????)  
GG: well there was that one time...  
GG: hehe :D  
CG: ONCE AGAIN I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND YOUR HUMAN SEXUALITIES  
GG: its not that hard :)  
CG: YOU SAY THAT BUT YOU CANT SEEM TO UNDERSTAND QUADRANTS  
CG: "its not that hard :)"  
CG: BULLSHIT  
GG: you sound like you're trying to defend yourself  
GG: but really your a hypocrite :P  
CG: WHATEVER  
GG: john doesnt know, does he? :ooo  
CG: NO HE DOESNT SO DONT GO SPOUTING YOUR RIDICULOUS AND MIGHT I SAY COMPLETELY INVASIVE FORMS OF TRASHY GOSSIP OUT OF YOUR BIG MOUTH HOLE LIKE A WRINKLED TRUNKBEAST ON WASH DAY  
CG: I MAY NOT BE A GREAT GUY BUT AT LEAST I KNOW WHEN TO RESPECT SOMEBODYS PRIVACY  
GG: okay okay :|  
GG: lips sealed ;)  
CG: WAS THAT A FUCKING WINK FACE  
CG: WHATEVER I DONT GIVE A FUCK WHO YOU TELL AS LONG AS ITS NOT GOING TO BE MY FAULT  
CG: NOW LEAVE ME ALONE IM TRYING TO SLEEP  
GG: still???  
GG: you missed a bunch of classes!!  
GG: ugh.  
GG: i'll talk to you later, then. grumpy.  
GG: byeee!

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 6:12pm \--

This was a lie. Karkat was not trying to sleep. Instead, he was making a complete and utter mess in his mind. It was like every Past and Future Karkat that had ever existed had flown up from the fiery pits of Tartarus in the underworld just to voice their opinions on the current situation. Meaning: Karkat had a lot to say about his room mate and unofficial-moirail-and-maybe-an-untrolllike-variation-of-the-word and the Heir's sudden interest in each other. Well, okay. Karkat wasn't all that sure John had even shared his opinion about Sollux without it being an indirect comment about his 'sweet hacker skills'. Though whether the two had ever actually had a conversation was beyond even Karkat's knowledge. Sollux on the other hand appeared to be both nervous and excited - attributes not commonly associated with him. For a guy who spent most of his life behind a computer, it was fascinating to watch his slow descent into the relationship-madness one would refer to as 'a social life'.

"What the fuck does a date even consist of?" Sollux mumbled into his bedsheets. He wasn't looking at Karkat, face smushed into the pillows on his human bed.

"Sollux, you managed to some how win over Aradia with your repulsive computer geek charm, surely you can convince Egbert of all humans AND trolls that you're at least a little bit interesting."

"We were six, KK. Hardly experts on the field of romantic advances," he breathed out, raising his head to look at Karkat. "Dating EB - that's..." Sollux attempted to shrug, but it was difficult in his current position.

Karkat simply grunted. He still didn't have solid opinion, but there were many variations of 'what in the ever-loving fuck have I done to have such friends' and 'this could be a good thing' migrating the space between his other thoughts. This also meant that Karkat was either in a state of boiling rage (when wasn't he?) or the rare occasions when he was actually happy about something. So he said nothing. The only thing stopping him from saying anything at all, was the issue with Dave. It was plainly obvious how he felt about John, and Karkat just wished he'd have done something about it sooner - Now of course, Karkat wanted the opposite. Sollux was happy and damn anyone who wants to get in the way of it. (Although Karkat wasn't familiar with the idiocy of human sexualities, he was fairly certain 'homosexual' was a male/male deal. So It still sort of hurt that John turned him down all of those years ago when here he is getting fuzzy with Sollux, the little shit.)

He had the overwhelming urge to message someone about it, but of course, it was a secret and Karkat respected that. Even if it was Strider's secret. Jade didn't count - she'd find out about it anyway.

"Sollux," Karkat said into the silence.

"What."

"When are you supposed to woo Egbert?"

The faint sound of Sollux scratching his head reached Karkat's ears. "Tomorrow. I don't know when, specifically. Why?"

"So I can bring popcorn."

"You're an asshole."


	4. The last chapter because I don't wanna write anymore.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seriously cannot with this fIC OMG anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm posting the rest of what I have because I have a serious block on this ;_;
> 
> In the heat of the moment collegestucks seem great, but no, when you are an individual who doesn't even live in the USA to experience that anyway it kinda goes to shit. Still, here you go. I should stick to drabbles and one-shots -_-

Dave woke up the next day feeling like he'd just drank tequila for the first time and forgot to share the bottle. He was nervous for John, nervous for Sollux and most of all nervous for himself, because how many times can a person help their crush get a date and live to tell the tale? He wasn't exactly sure why he was doing it; something about being the good bro John needs and not the whiny child that he certainly does not need - or maybe he was doing it just because pining after John was stupid and petty and he just really had to move on. Either way, it was happening and he couldn't stop it. Case closed. File, save, send.

He *could* just message Sollux and tell him the date was off...

No. Suck it, Strider, you've gotta be a man about this.

Dave messaged Sollux and gave him the go ahead. Today would suck. He just hoped he wouldn't accidentally be there to see Sollux ask him out.

 

John was tired already, and it was only lunch time. He'd gone to three classes, all of which were hour long lectures about God-knows-what-because-he-didn't-sleep-last-night. Again. Hopefully they'd have pizza in the canteen; pizza was always a nice pick-me-up after a short-but-very-long day. 

They didn't have pizza.

By now John just wanted to throw up because honestly, today was pretty darn terrible. Hopefully Dave hadn't set fire to the dorm room; John didn't really think he could take anymore obstacles. All he really wanted to do was flop down on his bed, maybe finish some assignments and go to sleep. Or maybe have pizza and then go to sleep. Minus the finish assignments part, too.

Just the quad to cross, the giant square teeming with people who couldn't possibly want him for something, and then the dorms would be right. There. Surely, SURELY nobody could want him for something. Surely.

"EB. Can I talk to you for a second?" 

Oh for fuck's sake.

"What?" It came out a lot harsher than he really meant it to, but right now, John felt like he had his own personal sharknado in his stomach. If he'd ever want anything or anyone at all to talk to him right this minute, it would be a slice of pepperoni. With extra cheese.

"Wow, bad day?" Sollux said, slowing to a stop a few feet from John. John didn't miss the hesitation in the way he stood, all frowns and fiddling fingers, "seem a little pissed off."

"Nope. Not pissed off. Just hungry. So very hungry," John drifted off, shaking his head slowly as he thought about the growing hunger pains in his black hole of a stomach. C'mon, spit it out, Sollux.

Sollux brightened at this, eyes beccoming animated and aware - he'd stopped wearing glasses. Not blind anymore either...just. Didn't wear glasses. Somehow it made his eyes seem a lot more...intense. Electric. More alien than his troll companions could ever be.

"Sooo....lunch? I've got a class in about 2 hours...but we should have time."

There was a period of lengthening silence as John took this into his head. What?

No, no. This wasn't happening - maybe he was just being friendly...as the cogs whirred in a clunking manner, John couldn't help but think of the possibilities. Sollux. A super cool hacker. From what John could remember, Sollux was a good guy. A good guy, who...also needed an answer right about now. 

Think of the food, John.

Think of the possibilities.

Win-win.

"Sure. I'm down for lunch."

Sollux just about managed to keep his cool intact.


End file.
